This is a guest post by my dear friend Scott, who has suffered in PhD school with me and emerged on the other side as Dr. Scott, PhD. In addition to being a great friend and a long-time(ish) resident of DC he also has a very serious blog on Middle East politics that you can read here.
#183: People in DC
The great part about DC is that there are a lot of people. The less good part about DC is a lot of people don’t realize there are a lot of people. What do I mean. Tourists, bros, generally oblivious people. They don’t realize that public transportation, like soccer and my dating life, is a team sport.
For their edification, here are a helpful list of rules:
1) Stand right walk left. If you don’t get this one you are bad and you should feel bad. Do better.
2) The pole in the metro car is for multiple people to hold, not for you to lean against. I’m sure your pole instructor Brilissa will be super impressed with your skillz without you practicing them on a pole that 5 other people are trying to hold onto so they don’t fly across a metro car whose braking system has two settings, off and STAHPPP. Share the pole. It’s full of germs anyway. Why are you rubbing up against a germ pole?
3) Use the space. I rode home tonight on a mostly empty Metro car. We get to the first station. Enter girl. Girl sits down right next to me on the bench in the back of the car. There are at least 8 empty rows in our immediate vicinity, some of which even face forward. But Girl sits next to me. We ride shoulder to shoulder. The majority of the car is empty but we sit squished together in the bench seat. I have been on dates that were less physically intimate than this Metro ride.
Then Girl takes out her phone and makes a call. “Do you wanna get a milkshake?” she asks into the phone. No I do not want to get a milkshake although given your understanding of personal space you’re gonna need some help getting boys/girls/both to your yard.
Then we get to my station. Girl makes a half-hearted effort to move one leg. I have to step over her to get out of the seat that she chose to block me into. I would have loved at this point to say, “Violation: Improper use of Metro Car personal space. DC citizenship revoked. Hand in your cherry blossom selfies and go.”