Reason 274

#274: The BIO section of the Express on Mondays

I am a big fan of anything free and of public transportation, so logically I am a big fan of the Express, DC’s free newspaper. It’s published by The Washington Post and read exclusively by people on the metro. It is fantastic.

On Mondays the Express has a section called BIO, which stands for “By Invitation Only.” It is the engagement announcement section of the free commuter paper. In any other city, this would be supremely tacky or extremely trashy or both. In DC it’s just very DC: it’s fun, clean, filled with stories of alcohol and a little pretentious.

To start, every single story on BIO starts with the answer to DC’s favorite question- “what do you do?”. An engagement announcement would say something like “Juanita is a graduate student at George Mason University, Peter works for the IRS.” Sometimes it will say something like “Juanita is a consultant; Peter works for the federal government.” In cases like this you should just assume that they both work for the CIA.

Right after the business card introduction, BIO stories move on to tell you about the couple’s living arrangements. Here there are three options: (1) “Juanita lives in DC; Peter lives in Alexandria” (or something like that); (2) “They [Juanita and Peter] will live in Hyattsville, MD”; or (3) “They [Juanita and Peter] live in Arlington”. Obviously (3) is the most scandalous as it clearly implies that Juanita and Peter are living together before getting married. I like all three options and don’t judge anyone for choosing either one of them; however, I do secretly wonder whether grandmothers all over DC (and maybe the US) are freaking out at the thought of Juanita and Peter living together already.

The next part in BIO is all about how they met (at a bar, 50+% of the time), how he proposed (at the Mall/the Potomac, 50+% of the time) and how they plan to “make it unique” (they plan to incorporate their Welsh/Irish/Polish/Whatever heritage 50+% of the time).

Then there is a picture.

This is a picture of two of my friends at an Ugly Sweater Party. They are never going to get married (for many, many great reasons), but if they were to get married in a parallel universe, this would be their BIO picture.

This is a picture of two of my friends at an Ugly Sweater Party. They are never going to get married (for many, many great reasons), but if they were to get married in a parallel universe, this would be their BIO picture.

In case you don’t believe me, here are the examples.

It’s pretty excellent reading material for your commute. It definitely makes my Mondays better.

 

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2 thoughts on “Reason 274

  1. Pingback: An update on the reasons | fabifabiana

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