Reason 315

#315: Whole Foods

I am very happy to live in a city that has a Whole Foods. I am especially happy to live four blocks away from one store and go two class two blocks away from another one. Before this I had a Whole Foods halfway between my apartment and my university. Since I go to all of them frequently, I have noticed some important differences.

Whole Foods on P St:

– You can only go if you are wearing head-to-toe Lululemon. Even if it is the middle of the day. People that have jobs do not go to this store. This Whole Foods is apparently reserved for people who have won the lottery, employees of Lululemon and the prosperous self-employed.

– The lines are always very, very long and nobody plays with their phone while they wait (presumably because they don’t have jobs.) They just stand there and pose in their yoga outfits.

– Even though the lines are long all week, there are also long lines on Sunday. I don’t understand how this can happen since I assumed all the lottery winners, Lululemon employees and self-employed moguls had already done their shopping Monday-Friday, but apparently there is no limit to the amount of kale chips and organic Fuji apples these people can consume. They are always there.

Whole Foods in Foggy Bottom:

– This one has the best cheese pizza. I am not sure what’s going on at the other stores, but they don’t know how to make a pizza as good as this one.

– There is a guy who works at the pizza counter every Tuesday (I am pretty sure) who may or may not speak Spanish but is always nice to me probably because he thinks I am the only person at that store who looks like she may or may not speak Spanish.

– They have a check-out system from the future: if you are only getting a slice of pizza or a sandwich you can pay at a machine and skip the very long lines at the front.

– There is always a line at the coffee counter. This is the only Whole Foods where I have ever seen that. I assume all the people in that line are refugees from the even longer line at the Starbucks in Gelman.

Whole Foods on Wisconsin Avenue:

This is not me, but is how I feel at the Whole Foods on Wisconsin Ave. I don't have kids.

This is not me, but is how I feel at the Whole Foods on Wisconsin Ave. I don’t have kids.

– This location is reserved for families. I never left there without thinking that I should have rented a kid (or at least a stroller) for the trip.

– There are no lines here because these people have jobs.

– Their pizza is the worst out of all the locations. The only thing you can do to make it taste better is hit a Zumba class at the WSC next door so you are really hungry by the time the people heat up the really bland piece of bread.

– It is very close to a giant Safeway which might be where all the yoguis from this neighborhood are hanging out in their lululemon pants.

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3 thoughts on “Reason 315

  1. Pingback: Reason 230 | fabifabiana

  2. Pingback: Reason 215 | fabifabiana

  3. Pingback: Reason 193 | fabifabiana

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